It's only Tuesday and I'm already thinking about wenches and mead.

Oi there are so many events and random things that have to be accomplished just in today's time. Down to the workroom to see how the dog beds and pillows are coming along. Over to the garment maker to make sure she can accomplish what we need her to accomplish with the confidentiality that is needed of her. Meeting with client. Grocery shopping. Science fair shopping. Putting together fabric samples to prepare for client meeting tomorrow. Vacuum rug. Get paint cans down from attic-This is an accident waiting to happen. Paint touch up spots which are mostly on the ceiling. (Fabulous) If the preparation work doesn't cause an accident of this sort I'll be surprised if the actual painting doesn't. Adam said he would do it this past Sunday and never called or made any contact and obviously never showed up. Big fucking surprise there.

Not.

Pick kiddos up from school. (By 2.45 and then again at 3:30) Tutor and help with science fair project. On that note-have to find the camera and charge it. Cooking dinner is the last thing.

You know when I look at everything it doesn't seem that bad. But one step somehow always complicates itself and turns into three. For now everything is on hold until I get the coffee beans.

The most traumatic experience to the doc's office I've ever had.

Without having to give all of the not so pretty details that led up to my doctors visit yesterday evening-I'll just say that I would have attributed it to a stomach virus since both Mike (Lorraine's hubbie) and I were feeling pretty much the same. Mike was a day ahead of me. Well L asked Adam to take Mike to the doctor and shortly after one of my many stomach spasms she insisted I go as well. So she called up Adam who had to come rescue me plastic grocery "barf bag" and all. I decided that I would wait it out in the car to see what the cause of Mike's illness was to see if it was worth checking in for. You can imagine my surprise when Adam tapped on my window and repeated the diagnosis. Food poisoning. "What the fuck? Food poisoning? There's no way! Off of what?" Vegetables. Yes somehow the doctor had concluded it was the leftover cucumber and carrot that was re-heated with all of the butter that was leftover that had caused this food poisoning. That is just the most cock-a-many diagnosis is what I thought and what I still think. In any case I decided to go into the office and go into the room that Mike was in. Biggest mistake ever. EVER. EVER. He had an IV going and the doctor came in to extract blood for a blood sample which I found out that Mike was not to keen on needles and being prodded by them. It was then that the doctor took a look at me and announced that I looked very weak. Thank you captain obvious....He instructed me to stick out my tongue and then concluded that I was dehydrated and asked Judy to take me into triage and then to get a bed. Did the usual doc check in procedures and gloomily went into the room waiting for the inevitable discomfort that was to come.

Now, I am by no means afraid of needles. I do however have what doctors refer to as "weak/bad veins". It almost ALWAYS takes at LEAST three times before a needle or IV will actually stay in place and this is of course after the doctor has shoved it in and then has had to use his fingers to wiggle into place. Not comfortable. The wiggling around and adjusting of the needle is more ghastly to me then being pricked by the fucking thing. Especially since I really don't like people touching my pressure points.

I decide I want to make a bet with the doctor and Adam about how many times this was going to take. The doctor being ever to sure of himself concludes that it'll only take one attempt. He also made some other comment about how he had one person with good veins afraid of needles and another who wasn't afraid but had very bad veins. I offered up the vein that runs across my wrist and thumb as an option-I can almost always just squeeze the ball and have great success there but he wouldn't hear of it.

Right arm-normal IV place-no go.
Right arm- forearm IV-no go.

"Told you"

At what point should I mention that he has yet to swab me with alcohol before poking me?

Then he taps on my neck and instructs me to look the other way. "WHHHHHHHAT THE FUCK? HELL NO. HELL NO. YOU ARE NOT STICKING THAT NEEDLE IN MY NECK. YOU'RE NUTS. NO NO NO NO NO." Of course Adam comes in the room and sees what is going on and makes some comment about how having things stuck in your neck is all the rage right now and I'll have a story to tell later. This is complete bullshit.

The neck is one of the most sensitive parts of the body-especially mine. And he wants to shove an IV needle in it and tell me to just relax? While I have an IV needle..in my neck...for the duration of the time that I am to be there getting fluids? This is just fucking bullshit.

So as you can guess. This was also a no go. All that squealing like a pig to a slaughterhouse for nothing. Oh except for a burning sensation when he THOUGHT the needle was in place.

Left arm-normal place-no go
left arm-normal place but a little bit more to the left and it's a go. FINALLY.

I'm still bitching about my neck. It hurts. And I mean it really really really hurts. So he did make it better by giving me some pain medication through the IV. And nausea medicine. The only thing I can bash him about here is that he thought he had put one in first and the other second. He basically screwed up the order of the meds. I know the difference. He even talked me through it. I think he needs glasses.

I slept well last night. Woke up this morning feeling as if I was on a different planet and haven't been able to shake the feeling all day. It hurts to swallow and it hurts to turn my neck a certain way but I'm sure my body is either fighting whatever was leftover or just in shock from such a traumatic experience for me.

I find out later that this doctor is used to working in the ER.

No fucking wonder.

Oh and did I mention he lives across the street?

I pretty much

suck at keeping up with this. If I were getting paid to do this-well I wouldn't be getting paid.

The weather is gloomy, people are more than usually annoying, and I woke up this morning too lazy to get up to urinate, with a sock in my hand. Ever had one of those moments? The ones where you have to relieve your bladder after drinking a tall glass of water the previous night, yet just wanting to drift back to sleep when you wake up too early? You think to yourself "Maybe I can ignore it"-Just wiggle your way into a new position hoping it will take the pressure off for a bit? Until it's time to really wake up.

I always lose that battle. And it makes me grumpy. As for the sock...?

California

I'll be moving to California. We're shooting for sometime around June. I of course have mixed feelings about this. I'm not quite sure the shock of it all has worn off yet. Just waiting for the reality to hit. It'll be in the Laguna Beach area. Overall I think that it is time for a change like this. I feel like my life is on hold and it needs a jump start.

Hum Drum

I think I set the bar of my new blog a little to high. Every post I publish is not one that is going to be entirely full of profound deep thought provoking sentiments. But rather just a consistent update of whatever pops into my head. Pay no matter to the sheer dullness of more than likely the majority of my postings. I suppose I am doing this more for me then for everyone else. Which I suppose is a dumb statement in itself since that's what these blogs were intentional created for.

I'm currently watching "The Doors". All I can say to that is sheer madness. I also watched Marley & Me earlier. That was a tear jerker.

There is a good chance I will be making a huge move in the middle of this year. But my life has taken many a different path in this past year even beginning to describe the reasons behind such a move would require a complete update of this entire year. In a normal persons life that would take hours to do. In mine however, I would have written a three part book within a month. So slowly and surely it will come together.

-H

New Year, New Blog

I wanted to start over. As most will notice I have removed almost all of my blogs as I want a fresh start and not really too happy with the way the last one went. I've kept only one as it is my favourite and still hits close to home.

Perhaps this year I will have more valuable blogs to post.

Ciao for now

The Bad

I've been sorta lonely, lately. I think I've been noticing certain moments more than others, and those moments are the ones after a night of fun or I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep, thinking to myself. It's the times when I really am by myself. Sometimes, I'm so busy I don't have time to take notice. But, at other times the feeling asserts itself enough, and I can't help but pay attention.

I realised tonight that I define everything in my life by what I see wrong with it. Everything is a sum of it's faults... The things about it keeping it from being perfect in my eyes. I spend too much of my time worrying about stupid little things that keep the world from being perfect, and I forget to notice how wonderful it is. Maybe I'm expecting too much from people. It seems like everyone should actually want to change the world for the better. But most people just learn to live with what's there. That's almost sick. It also means I'll never notice anything that really is near perfect. Or maybe I will, but I'll never quite be able to deal with it.

Any way here it is, "the bad"

I'm quick to criticise others, but I'm even quicker to criticise myself. I hold pretty high standards for people around me. I feel like I'm like that because I have a certain sort of vision of how I'd like things to be. I try to mold things to be that way as much as I can, but sometimes that gets in the way of my own enjoyment.

I am always hungry for more. I am not completely satisfied with what I have, know, or accomplish. [sigh] I never am. It's a bit of a curse. It certainly gets in the way of relationships. I am not quite a perfectionist because I don't believe in perfection. I believe that something can always be better or worse.

I have self-destructive tendencies. When things seem to be going as well as can be, I start getting failure anxiety... I start worrying that maybe I'm not doing things how I should be, or maybe something terrible is going to go wrong. It's not so much that I'm pessimistic about things... I just start getting this slow, creeping feeling like I should just give up altogether... That there's no use to it at all. I worry that I might one day just go nutso and try to just destroy everything I love.

My heart is caught in a net of contradiction. ahaha. That's so melodramatic. I can't seem to let myself feel what I think I should feel. And it's because I'm afraid it'll sting me later. I should just let loose and be free and wild (in ways deeper within myself) but I guess maybe the time for that has passed me by, or maybe I haven't found it yet. There will be a time when the winds will blow and I'll hear the call of love thumpa thumpa in my ears and I'll know it's my time to heed that call and let go of myself and my theories of emotion.

I live in a mental monopoly.

I'm impatient. If an answer doesn't come to me right away, I give up or just try to force an answer. Whatever answer.

No matter how many people I come into contact with on any given day, I almost always still feel sort of lonely when I go to bed. If someone else goes to bed with me, I sometimes feel even more alone.

I think it sucks how people flip out so easy about the smallest things. I mean, it's sort of funny sometimes, but even laughing at really dumb people gets old after awhile. I know that sometimes I'm guilty of doing this. It's mainly because I don't let big issues get to me, so to make up for it I overreact to the smaller ones. I just wish people would use a little common sense once in awhile before they flip out.

Don't you hate it when you're playing a game with someone and they get all frustrated and decide that they don't want to play anymore? If you're lucky, the loser will just slink away and go pout in the corner with the music on really loud or something. If you're not lucky, the game board or controller might get tossed in the air, possibly throwing little game pieces all over the place, too. That's crummy.

Why is that people have to be so selfish? Case in point. When you're sitting in a long line of cars, waiting for an accident to be cleared up or whatever, everyone patiently waiting, why do some people think they have the right to just take the other lane (in this case into oncoming traffic) and truck on ahead? Do they think the whole line of cars is just sitting there for no reason? Do they think they're going to stumble upon some secret path and make their way onto freedom in the way of the open road? Do they consider for a moment the fact that they will undoubtedly hit the same obstacle blocking all of the other cars? Then they also have to turn around in a very narrow space, or back their way back to the end of the now longer line. Causing a little bit of headache (and amusement) for everyone else involved. I just can't figure some people out.

I had a phone call from a childhood girlfriend earlier. Once upon a time she had so much pent-up pain and anger in her than she couldn't deal with it and she cut herself as some sort of release. Overall, she seemed to be doing OK now, but it still made me think about some fucked up stuff. I was thinking about the amount of pain in the world and how one little sliver of pain can shoot through and sour a whole lot of love. It's similar to when you're mixing paints. It takes a whole lot of white paint to lighten a color up, but it only takes a little dash of black to make it darker. Pain is like the black paint. A little bit of it can really fuck up your day.

That sounds like an awfully poetic thought, but I try to stay away from things like that because they remind me why it seems reasonable to be depressed, angry, and dissatisfied all the time. If I have given off a type of depressive air; no I'm not depressed or anything like that, just mulling over some circumstances that make up life, my life.

Something I can always take comfort in is that fact that no matter how messed up the rest of the things in the world get, there will always be more good music for me to find and listen to and ingest. There will always be new moods that I haven't experienced and new feelings I have yet to explore. On top of that, I can at least hope that there will also always be new people for me to explore and discover. As long as I have continuous new input, I can manage to almost forget about everything I don't like to think about.

Heather